i finished the volunteering for the llgff on wednesday evening, which concluded with leaving when the lights came up at the floridita in a drunken stupor blabbering to a director on how much i liked her work.
not so much that i am embarrassed by speaking to her...it's just the way i went about it makes me think that i need to lay off the juice for a bit. this week has been overcrowded with excuses to get hammered. almost every night has been celebrating something at the festival - a precursor for being given enough cobra to get pissed with.
after spending the close part of two days recovering...i would say that either i've overdone it or that my age is catching up with me. i'll go for the former answer.
not feeling exhibition inspired and with the spitting outside, we chose the film option. i had been hearing/seeing adverts about let the right one in and with chris in agreement, we endured a preliminary 30 minutes (yes, i counted) of advertisements to see it. now, i thought, i could see what the rave had been about.
suddenly, on the screen, i see the first image: backlit snow flurries introducing the opening titles. i looked and thought it looked familiar. it was not too much longer before the synapses fused to make me realise i was seeing a film which had already had my $10/£8 contribution.
although i am happy i saw it for a second time, due to its superb construction, i later thought that perhaps i should write more things down.
like with any preparation and eventual departure, the last week or so tends to be havoc and a whirlwind of events and emotions.
leaving the united states seems rather quiet this time with no bombastic craziness as i found when i jetted to italy over two years ago. perhaps it is better this way. i have always found subtlety to be a more appealing approach than other options anyway.
goodbye. you will have a deep place in my heart.
for the best part of a year now, boBo and i have undergone a tremendous amount of change requiring adaptability and separation from time to time like the last stint of months while i collected information for the application.
the entire visa became a project and at some moments did not seem like it was going to end. well, last week it was finally deemed substantial enough (400 pages?) and was sent in a shoe box with fingers crossed. upon receipt of the package, the consulate's correspondence simply provided me with a five to fifteen working day waiting period in which i truly felt like i would not be able to manage it.
i was happily surprised when i entered the apartment yesterday afternoon to find a parcel from the consulate with all of the documentation exactly as i had prepared it. my first inclination was that something was wrong with it. everything was there with one small addition: my passport had the proper visa stamp to enter the united kingdom on a permanent basis.
yes folks...that is it. as of march 1st, i will no longer be in the united states but will be rejoined with my husband and love for almost five years now.
we both wanted to thank everyone that supported us by means of their written letters or with encouraging words even in the bleakest moments throughout this ordeal. the immense love that has been shown to us on every level will never be forgotten as we now can freely live together with no worries of illegality looming over our shoulders. we honestly could not have done it without any of you.
thank you for reading this blog that has been an evolving lump from the beginning and hope that you will continue to read it from time to time as a new phase of life begins...and i am so ready for it.
the only thing to do now is wait in anticipation for the inevitable notification that they have made a decision. which one being up for grabs is probably the single thing that is pulling at my vitality. i cannot stop obsessing about it. i have been told not think about it. to keep busy. both of which i do to not much success. every few minutes i check my email (although that is the norm anyway) with the hope of seeing just that "(1)" in the inbox.
i've gone over in my head what could be incorrect about the visa and what i gave them. but i keep thinking that for every potential wrong answer there is a plethora of irrefutable facts. they can make the next few days rough. maybe they will expect more from us. but they cannot deny the authenticity of the relationship that to this day, over four years later, is the beacon amidst this haze.
We spoke about books we are currently reading. I was surprised to hear that he is devouring Cunningham's A Home At The End Of The World and loves it while I am struggling through Saviano's Gomorrah partially because I am reading three other books at the same time.
I finished the cleanse and am slightly relieved to say the least. I will not type the words that I regret that I did it. It is not like that. I certainly took from it a higher consciousness of what I am digesting, taking into my body and how I can be more responsible and feel better. Going without food makes the senses more keen. But that being said, there is nothing like food for the soul as well as for the body. The toxins are still coming out though as my face has broken out with some sort of rash coincidentally as I did this cleanse. I am going to ride it out and ingest juices and fruits today as a means to continue the cleanse but with a bit more substance and nutrients.
Tak (left and above, between the two of us), our great friend and the one who presided over our ceremony in August, sent us this email today:
May it be sweet milk,
I woke up this morning an hour and a half before I was supposed to. This normally would not be a problem except my alarm clock was scheduled to go off at 5:00 A.M. so that I could prepare the day's concoction before heading off to work.
At 3:30, I was shaken by the turning of my own stomach and knew that it was time again to head to the toilet. Keeping my eyes closed hoping that this action would somehow prolong the sleep mode I was just in, I perched out of necessity and let the salt water flushes and senna teas and "lemonades" do their job.
I have to say that after five days I was hoping that I would see more substantial results coming from my stool. But so far, it's not much to describe. I fear that perhaps I am not doing it correctly. But like most directional projects, I become rather anal in following them as closely as possible for fear I will mess things up if not done properly.
Overall, I feel good. My first day back was yesterday and I had an amazing amount of energy. I was not lethargic and lackluster like I can typically feel throughout the day. But that makes sense: I am not gorging myself on every food item nor diluting myself with various coffee drinks and soda within the eight hours that I would normally be there.
That being said, I still want food. Yesterday and today have been very challenging for me. Continuously presented in the face of large portions of oozing goodness, things that I would normally not think twice about shoving in my mouth, is testing my convictions. Deep down I know that I am not going to cave. All I need to do is walk over to my pre-made bev and I am fine a few seconds later.
According to what I have been reading, it is not that I really want food. These are simply cravings that I am having. Psychological associations to eating. What sounds good? Absolutely everything. Items I would normally not even try make my mouth water.
In reality though I am looking forward to that very large green salad that is beckoning me. The reading suggests that these cravings are a part of the cleansing process and will be eliminated with the next bowel movement or two. If not, the next five days are going to be hell, I know that for sure.
I have read that whatever toxins that are showing themselves in the form of irritability or headaches or whatever other form typically forgo their hold on the body upon the next elimination (usually the following morning).
The sleep was not as restful after the first night but after I did another salt water flush on Day 2 and discovered neon yellow waste, the symptoms from the following day vanished.
I will admit that I had some irritability as well yesterday but the headaches have completely subsided (at least for now). And yesterday I was able to function and move about, take care of errands, read without much thought to food.
I did have some moments, especially last night when I went to see a film with Tak and I smelled the overpowering flavor of buttery, salty popcorn infiltrating every fiber and molecule of the movie house, that I wanted to eat. But I merely sipped a bit from my water and it always seemed to pass. I was treated to be able to watch Ashes of Time Redux by Wong Kar Wai. He is a master and how he and his crew do the cinematography is absolutely stunning, not to mention the exquisite story and acting. What I noticed as well was how impeccable the lighting was throughout the film. A must see. (Here's an interview with WKW about the remaking of the film).
I recall sitting on the couch yesterday and feeling an overwhelming feeling of vitality and serenity. It is like my body is lighter and feels very secure with itself at the moment. I was speaking to Tak about some things and I felt like I was completely in tune with what he was saying. I did not have any distractions. My mind was not dwelling on several other issues like it normally is.
I am not saying this is some sort of panacea but I am simply explaining the feelings and emotions that I am experiencing.
I slept like a baby last night. My sleep is magical.
Now I am into Day Three and the day is in front of me and I feel ready to take it on. No work today so I think I'm going to go see another movie. One more week of this cleanse. Hmm.
Fortunately and by no coincidence I arranged this cleansing to run parallel to having two (possibly three) days off in a row to kick off the fasting.
Food cravings popped into my head randomly as a last ditch effort. It made me focus on the fact that I use food to fill in the time. To overcome boredom. Have nothing else to do? Eat. Want to hang out? Let's go eat. Food, even when I'm not really that hungry. I passed by one of my favorite Thai restaurants and almost cried after I realized I instinctively just about set foot in the door to order some Pad Thai. It was almost a subconcious move.
That's what life has been like usually. Have an need? Fill it. Whether that "it" comes in the form of food or drinking, smoking or some other non-beneficial behavior. A lifetime of reaction and placation. Not much room for deliberation and reasoned thinking. Life has been really nothing but a non-ending fun-filling experience. And I'm getting to the point where I'm not sure that's what life is about on any serious level. Not that life should not be enjoyable. But there are responsible and important things to take into consideration. Like other people and my own health. Moving away from flippancy and The Peter Pan Syndrome.
I actually craved Blue Water Seafood Market and Grill. The Sea Bass sandwich that I had last time with Niamh on the day that she got her new apartment. And I don't really even eat fish.
Perhaps I will after the fast is over. I spent a lot of time yesterday seriously contemplating my diet. Mostly deliberating over what I dislike about the current trends and frankly why I am on this cleanse in the first place. A life of grease-soaked fried shit. Bacon (which I love). Meat, meat, meat. Very little vegetables. Some fruits. Coffee, tea, alcohol, cigarettes. Not that I digest the latter, but the point is that my diet is essentially garbage.
I picked up several books on vegetarianism. I do not know if this is what I want to do, but at least I want to study it more to understand if it is a viable option for me. I believe the reason that I don't pursue this food lifestyle is out of ignorance and because I look at food as such a creature comfort. Not something that will prolong my life or energy but something that subsists the moment that I am in. That is the integral problem: Non-Thinking. Merely going with what I was raised to eat. I was brought up to be a Jehovah's Witness being fed spiritual garbage all of my life. It makes sense that I would be physically fed the same. But I no longer succumb to the doctrines of the religious sect. Yet perhaps I still succumb to the food aspect because of some sort of deranged penance. Do I have dark areas of guilt for not being a part of the religion? Do I feel that perhaps I do not deserve better? I'm not sure I think this way consciously. In fact, this is the first time I have really thought about it. Perhaps on some deeper, non-conscious way I am acting out in this way.
I texted Niamh yesterday with three words: I AM HUNGRY.
She wrote back: NO YOU'RE NOT. DRINK MORE LEMONADE AND KEEP YOUR HANDS BUSY.
Both Niamh and Sarah are doing this as well. They reported that they were physically fine yesterday. I am a day behind them but felt by 9:00 P.M like utter shit. I could hardly see anything my head hurt so intensely. I was finishing the third season of Grey's Anatomy, another vice that I have allowed myself to get involved with. I began to watch season four and shut it off after about fifteen minutes.
Why am I wasting my time like this? What benefit are these series benefiting me? I am giving up my time because I am bored and because it is again another comfort that I have put myself into. Following lives of fictional people that I do not even like. Maybe this cleanse will be flushing out more than my bowel. Perhaps it will also be flushing the head junk as well. At any rate I have this sudden disgust for that show and the others that I have been watching on a regular basis.
What's next?
no photos today. just the beginning of an effort to record the physicality and emotional repercussions of doing The Master Cleanse, a ten-day detoxifying process which eliminates eating anything and surviving simply on a lemon-syrup-cayenne pepper based drink and a salt water flush every morning.
i have heard about this "diet" in the past but have been skeptical and out right scared considering it means giving up something that i hold very dear: food.
but i also know that of late i have been very toxic and ill more than i usually am. besides all of this, i have recently completed two weeks of staying away from cigarettes and want to rid my body of the residuals of that pathetic practice.
in a nut shell, just want to be healthier both physically and spiritually. some might find this a bit nutty, a bit california health freak. and this has also been a reason why i have hesitated to do it.
in the long run, i don't really care what anyone thinks. it is my body and i am feeling the need to do this at this juncture in time. at the most, it is only ten days and if it proves to be beneficial, then i have done something very positive for my physical goals. if it turns out to be disadvantageous it will soon be over anyway.
so far i have done my first salt water flush this morning and began the liquid diet. the concoction of water with the cayenne, maple and lemon juice surprisingly does not taste as bad as it may sound. i kind of like the spice. of course to compensate for the lack of eating, the amount to intake is rather substantial. from my reading, i am supposed to drink one ounce for every two pounds of body mass. if i remember correctly (and not having a scale handy), i am around 140#...so to intake 70 ounces of this stuff is probably going to be the biggest challenge.
no different feelings at the present time. i feel encouraged to do it and almost like i am on a spiritual journey of sorts in the realm of a fad diet. i am on the outset looking at this as a opportunity to change dramatically my eating patterns which i believe have a large portion of effect on how i feel and behave on a daily basis. i feel clogged and almost slothlike both mentally and physically. and i just do not want to approach my days in this way anymore.
more to come.
no photos today. just the beginning of an effort to record the physicality and emotional repercussions of doing The Master Cleanse, a ten-day detoxifying process which eliminates eating anything and surviving simply on a lemon-syrup-cayenne pepper based drink and a salt water flush every morning.
i have heard about this "diet" in the past but have been skeptical and out right scared considering it means giving up something that i hold very dear: food.
but i also know that of late i have been very toxic and ill more than i usually am. besides all of this, i have recently completed two weeks of staying away from cigarettes and want to rid my body of the residuals of that pathetic practice.
in a nut shell, just want to be healthier both physically and spiritually. some might find this a bit nutty, a bit california health freak. and this has also been a reason why i have hesitated to do it.
in the long run, i don't really care what anyone thinks. it is my body and i am feeling the need to do this at this juncture in time. at the most, it is only ten days and if it proves to be beneficial, then i have done something very positive for my physical goals. if it turns out to be disadvantageous it will soon be over anyway.
so far i have done my first salt water flush this morning and began the liquid diet. the concoction of water with the cayenne, maple and lemon juice surprisingly does not taste as bad as it may sound. i kind of like the spice. of course to compensate for the lack of eating, the amount to intake is rather substantial. from my reading, i am supposed to drink one ounce for every two pounds of body mass. if i remember correctly (and not having a scale handy), i am around 140#...so to intake 70 ounces of this stuff is probably going to be the biggest challenge.
no different feelings at the present time. i feel encouraged to do it and almost like i am on a spiritual journey of sorts in the realm of a fad diet. i am on the outset looking at this as a opportunity to change dramatically my eating patterns which i believe have a large portion of effect on how i feel and behave on a daily basis. i feel clogged and almost slothlike both mentally and physically. and i just do not want to approach my days in this way anymore.
more to come.
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